Its Christmas, time for self loathing and turkey!
At the risk of sounding like a Jackie Chan movie, "Who Am I?". I know my name obviously, although sometimes apparently it is 'mud'. I know where I live otherwise how could I have two lovely (some of the time) monsters and a beautiful wife waiting for me there. I know a lot of things, although most of what I know is either pointless, worthless, or, and this is my personal favourite, useless.
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and seeing as I am 35 at the moment, I had better hurry and decide before its too late. I know I want to be liked, I want to be loved, and I want to be well thought of, but only one of those three seems to be possible. I want to be comfortable with myself, my life and my actions. This is something that I doubt will ever happen.
I once saw a badge that said, "I have so much guilt I could start my own religion". I understand that completely. I still feel guilty about the way I treated the first girl I ever kissed. How in the days and weeks and months afterwards I ignored her totally. Why? I don't know. She was cool and hot all at the same time. We seemed to click (as much as you can click when you are 15 or 16 or whatever it was). I was an idiot then, and I fear things have not improved much since then.
Apparently when I was in junior school (5 to 7 yr olds) a teacher noticed that I had a problem pronouncing my 'r's. For whatever reason I didn't get speech therapy so guess what, at the age of 35 I have difficulty with certain words, and will often mumble, stumble and repeat a word until it actually sounds correct. Speech pathology probably would have helped me in the long run but a difficulty with words cannot take the blame (credit) for what I have become. Knowing me now, and how I probably would have been then, I wouldn't have actually appreciated getting any help, far from it. It would have made me angry, and embaressed. The later appears to be another one of my traits which has followed me through my life. Avoid embaressment at all costs. Cover it up, hide it, or disguise it with anger. Perhaps its because I have problems spelling it? I honestly don't know but I hate to be embaressed. I have used the word Anger several times already but I am not an angry person, definatly not a violent person, infact, I avoid violence almost as much as I do embaressement.
I don't get angry angry. I get angry pissy. I am infamous for starting arguments over anything at all, just for the sake of arguing. I only do this with loved ones so I am guessing that I am also self destructive in a 'chicken-shit, don't like to drink too much, never take drugs, and if I hurt myself, it will hurt' kinda of a way. I push people away. I am like an opposing magnet, trying to get near to people but only succeeding in the opposite.
When I was in high school, for some reason (not that I was particually stupid) I was placed in a class called European Studies. This, today, would be called a Resource class, but at the time, it was a very easy class where troublemakers, those who were perhaps a little slow, and those who couldn't fit in were placed. I was in the latter category, simply because I was not in the other two. Instead of realising that I was stopping myself for getting along in life, I sat back and enjoyed the ride, learning nothing and being proud of it at the same time. I think that makes me dumb regardless who intelligent I am.
I am selfish, concerned only with me, mine, and whatever else comes a distant second. Now and again, I have a brain fart and appear to be a caring person but I don't know if that is the real me, trying to escape or a momentary lapse of reason. It is probably Christmas that is causing me to write. I guess I don't like Christmas too much although when you have children and a family, its hard to avoid it all together. Best to put on a brave face and appreciate what I have for I don't know when I might say/do the wrong thing as usual and lose it all.
